From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.
ITEM ONE: Sen. Chuck Grassley, the most popular politician in the history of Iowa, tweeted about a dead pidgin found on his farm. At one point, he apparently assumed it was a deer. It wasn’t. It was a pidgin. If anyone is looking for their pet pidgin, it’s dead in the senator’s yard. The typist has questions, but they’re all about stuff like the Republican party’s blatant hypocrisy on approving Supreme Court nominees during a presidential election year. This homespun nonsense is about what the ol’ Paragraph Stacker has come to expect from platinum Trump back-up singer Grassley: pidgin shit.
ITEM TWO: The Chicago Bears are 2-0, but they feel 0-2. Quarterback Mitch Trubisky led a come-from-behind victory in the season opener against the Lions. This week he nearly fell from the front at home against the lowly New York Giants. The Bears built a 17-0 lead at halftime and let the New York Giants chip away in the second half. New York had a chance to win on the final play, but a Giants’ receiver committed offensive pass interference at the goal line. Trubisky threw for two touchdowns and two interceptions. Running back David Montgomery, a former Iowa State Cyclone, produced 127 yards total offense including 82 rushing yards and three pass catches with a touchdown. I texted a fellow Bears fan about this anxiety-inducing mediocrity. She wrote back, “I’m sitting outside. It’s relaxing. I like the sound of the wind in the tree tops.” One of us has the right idea on how to spend a Sunday afternoon.
ITEM THREE: Terrible news from Tinseltown: The rat bastards at ABC cancelled the typist’s favorite private eye series, “Stumptown” — after renewing the series at the end of last season. The Mouse House plans to shop it to other networks. “Stumptown” and “Emergence” were two of Hot Sheet’s true pleasures from last season. ABC execs snubbed out “Emergence” like a cheap cigarette at the end of its terrific first season with lead Allison Tolman. Now ABC reneges on the promise of a second season of “Stumptown” starring Colbie Smulders. Know this, ABC, fists of rage are shaken in your general direction. Fists. Of. Rage. Shaken.
ITEM FOUR: Unavailable due to coronavirus quarantine protocols.
ITEM FIVE: Some Iowa State University students are apparently selling their used underwear, leggings, stockings and socks online to make extra money, per a report by the Iowa State Daily. “For women, especially, there is still a stigma attached to using your body to earn money. Though sex work, like many other jobs,” the newspaper reports, “requires you to be a smart and skilled individual.” The Hot Sheet has nothing to add.
ITEM SIX: It appears there’s more bad news for law enforcement nationwide. Sources tell Hot Sheet Mayor McCheese is considering firing longtime McDonaldland top cop Officer Mac. Insiders cite Officer Mac’s failure to bring the Hamburglar to justice since being sworn in 1971.
ITEM LAST: Businesses, please be mindful of how terrible your hold music is. The typist recently called the local cable company for an internet problem and, as per usual, the volume of calls was high. The hold music was a shrill version of Muzak, the kind of noise the CIA would use to torture suspected terrorists. By the time the ol’ Paragraph Stacker’s hold ended, he was barely able to form a complete sentence. The company’s agent explained that the typist was in the wrong department and asked if it was OK if she placed me on a brief hold while she connected me with the proper person. The typist replied: “Can’t you just kill me instead?”
Cut loose and cashiered by corporate media, lone paragraph stacker Daniel P. Finney makes his way telling stories about his city, state and nation. No more metrics or Google trends, he writes stories about people and life ignored by the oligarchy.
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