HOT SHEET: It’s been a long week and we refuse to be serious one more moment

Friday, Sept. 25, 2020

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM ONE: Actor Vin Diesel released a song Friday called “Feel Like I Do.” It’s 3 minutes, 5 seconds of him repeating “I am Groot.”

ITEM TWO: Actor Mark Hamill turned 69 Friday. Hamill is best known for an episode of “The Muppet Show” where he played both himself and Luke Skywalker of “Star Wars” fame. He has yet to disclose whether it was weirder for Skywalker to kiss his own sister in the “Empire Strikes Back” or play tonsil hockey with Miss Piggy.

ITEM THREE: Item Three suffered a high ankle sprain while playing on the “sticky” turf at MetLife Stadium while playing for the San Francisco 49ers against the New York Jets. Item Three is considered day-to-day.

ITEM FOUR: Item Four remains unavailable due to COVID-19 quarantine.

ITEM FIVE: Item Five went for cheap boneless wings Thursday, didn’t wear a mask and shared straws with another patron. Servers and bartenders hosed Item Five down with Lysol and Windex and ejected Item Five from the establishment. Item Five pulled two still-smoking cigarette butts from the ashcan outside the restaurant, smoked them and stumbled off into the night. Item Five has been reading a lot of Charles Bukowski.

ITEM SIX: Item Six is a heterosexual, white male and he’s really sorry for everything that ever happened. He’ll shut up now.

ITEM SEVEN: Singer Engelbert Humperdinck turned 86 some 146 days ago.

ITEM EIGHT: The typist reminds everyone this fall that traveling through hyperspace is not like dusting crops, boy. Buckle up. It’s the law.

ITEM NINE: Be nice to customer service representatives. They bear no responsibility for the defective product, failed service guarantee or ear-splitting, senses-shattering hold music. They are simply people who needed a job so badly they were willing to be yelled at by unreasonable people for a nickel over minimum wage.

ITEM LAST: This message will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

This isn’t really Daniel P. Finney. It’s Daniel P. Finney’s evil twin brother, Ernesto Q. Finney.

Cut loose and cashiered by corporate media, lone paragraph stacker Daniel P. Finney makes his way telling stories about his city, state and nation. No more metrics or Google trends, he writes stories about people and life ignored by the oligarchy. is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I launch this new venture continuing the journalism you’ve demanded. Visit

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