Saturday, Oct. 3, 2020
From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.
ITEM ONE: President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania Trump both tested positive for COVID-19. The president received oxygen treatments before he flew to Walter Reed hospital aboard Marine One. I dislike the president and believe his ascendancy to the nation’s highest office is a symptom of a national mortal sickness. I further believe the president is a rotten human being incapable of empathy. That said, I hope he recovers quickly and gets pounded at the polls next month.
ITEM TWO: As of this typing, the Tampa Bay Rays of the American League and the Miami Marlins of the National League are both alive in the baseball playoffs. This could make for a historic World Series with both teams being from Florida and the first Fall Classic where both teams have an aquatic mascot.
ITEM THREE: Wendy’s is promoting a new sandwich that violates Finney’s Corndog Rule. The sandwich is a cheeseburger on pretzel bread. This is a classic corndog infraction. Cheeseburgers are good. Pretzels are good. They don’t need to be together. Just like the goddamn corndog: Corn bread is good. Hot dogs are good. They needn’t be combined and put on a stick. One good thing at a time unless it’s a soft-serve chocolate-vanilla twist cone. That’s the world’s finest team-up.
ITEM 4: Please welcome Item 4, who replaces Item Four, which lost its brief but tragic battle with COVID-19. Item 4 will be at the desk next to the fax machine-copier-printer. You will get to know Item 4 by asking it questions about why the office machine isn’t doing what you want it to do despite the fact that just because someone sits next to a machine does not necessarily mean they are an expert in its operation.
ITEM FIVE: The typist hoped a modestly funny joke would come to him while typing up that bullshit about Item 4 and the printer, but it didn’t work that way. So here we are.
ITEM SIX: The typist despises corporate ownership of local media perhaps nowhere so than in local radio. The typist barked at KGGO-FM, once home to one of the best local morning shows around, for their lame subscription to the joyless dick-and-fart joke outfit, “The Bob and Tom Show.” Along the same thread, though, the ol’ Paragraph Stacker compliments the classic rock station for its podcast “The Haunting of KGGO.” The typist believes the stories are nonsense, but at least they’re local legends and not more low-rent armpit noises originating out of Indianapolis, Indiana, of all godforsaken places.
ITEM LAST: Sunday pro football looms. The typist should celebrate the rare occasion that his beloved Chicago Bears are 3-0, but the hellish journey through terrible football and flukes that created those wins makes one feel as if the Bears are 0-3. The Bears play the Indianapolis Colts this week. The Colts are 2-1, losing to the terrible Jaguars and beating the hapless Vikings and Jets. One would think this is a game the Bears could dominate, but a Bears fan knows this is exactly the kind of game the Bears scat the bed. And those bastard Hoosiers Bob and Tom will probably brag about it on Monday.
Cut loose and cashiered by corporate media, lone paragraph stacker Daniel P. Finney makes his way telling stories about his city, state and nation. No more metrics or Google trends, he writes stories about people and life ignored by the oligarchy.
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