HOT SHEET: Unravel the mystery in today’s edition and you could win a BMX bike

Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2020

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM ONE: The typist enjoys the idea of the force from “Star Wars” movies. If he had the power, he probably wouldn’t use his powers to engage in the never-ending battle for the Jedi or the Sith in the fate of the galaxy. But it sure would be nice to levitate a bowl of chips and a beer from the fridge during a ballgame.

ITEM TWO: These #IVoted people are just as annoying as the negative campaign ads. Congratulations. Here’s your sticker for performing your bare minimum participation in democracy. If you need someone else to encourage you to do the minimum after all we’ve been through this year alone, you know what? Don’t vote.

ITEM THREE: The typist has been listening to music from his college years in the 1990s. He seeks the energy of his youth when he felt wild, fast and free, when he was brave and kind of righteous. Efforts have been reached with minimal success.

ITEM 4: Item 4 requested and received its unconditional release from the Hot Sheet after the recent drug-fueled incident in the clubhouse. The organization has purchased the contract of Roman numeral IV, who takes Item 4’s place in the lineup pending a physical and drug screening.

ITEM FIVE: “Being grown up is no fun if you can’t be childish sometimes.” — The Doctor (Tom Baker), “Doctor Who”

ITEM SIX: The typist was watching an NFL game when the quarterback —

ITEM SEVEN: The following audio was transcribed by a Hot Sheet investigative reporter.

  • BANG! BANG! The wooden door of the typist’s apartment shatters under the jackboots of NFL Security.
  • Eddie Weddle, safety for the Los Angeles Rams, bounds through the door and fly tackles the typist.
  • Weddle drives his shoulder into the typist’s chest and a sickening sound similar to that of a pencil snapping in half echoes in the typist’s chest.
  • The typist whips back and slams into the top of his World War II surplus desk before he crumples to the ground like a rag doll.
  • Weddle gyrates his crotch over the supine typist and tears the typist’s laptop in half and crushes the screen with his steel-cleated foot.
  • One of the NFL Security officers heard: “You do NOT have the express written consent of the NFL to distribute accounts or descriptions of this game!”
  • The men leave. The last one knocks into the typist’s collector Incredible Hulk cookie jar. It smashes on the floor. The NFL Security guard can be heard whispering, “Deadbeat.”

ITEM LAST: As per Hot Sheet policy, the typist is undergoing concussion protocols and will be held out for further testing.

Daniel P. Finney once auditioned for the part of Count Gregor Mikhailovitch in the 1991 Winterset High School production of Neil Simon’s “Fools.”

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