HOT SHEET: Where have you gone, Vin Scully? Fox Sports should have turned its lonely narration to you

Tuesday, Oct. 20, 2020

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM ONE: Tuesday’s sign Major League Baseball is almost as dead as the American newspaper: Fox Sports chose all-time great NFL quarterback Tom Brady for the opening narration to Game 1 of the World Series between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Los Angeles Dodgers.

ITEM TWO: Longtime Dodgers voice Vin Scully is arguably the all-time greatest broadcaster in baseball history. He retired in 2016 and is 92 years old, but he’s not dead — and he’s associated with baseball.

ITEM THREE: An optimist might think Fox didn’t use Scully because they wanted to avoid the appearance of favoritism between the two teams, but when has a Fox broadcasting outlet ever cared about neutrality?

ITEM FOUR: Joni Ernst promised to castrate pigs when she got to Washington, D.C., but we haven’t seen so much as a swine circumcision. Item Four paid for by the Palpatine and Vader Order for American Leadership.

ITEM FIVE: Liberal Theresa Greenfield eats Chinese takeout during riots. Radical Theresa Greenfield. Bad for digestion. Good for MSG. Bad for digestion. Item Five paid for by the Lord Voldemort Committee for Dark Arts in Government.

ITEM SIX: Not to belabor Monday’s minor snow, but can you imagine how giddy TV news teams must have been just to overhype a dusting of snow and some wind? No pandemic. No Trump. No election. Just a regular snowstorm to make it seem like the end of the universe. I bet WHO-TV’s Ed Wilson was practically orgasmic.

ITEM SEVEN: My cousin, the Rev. Robert Boudewyns, died Oct. 17. He was 80 years old. Bobby, as we all called him, possessed the serenity granted a man of his deep faith. Raised in a Catholic family, he served as a Lutheran minister. He taught me about the person behind the collar. He ministered to me after both my mom’s and dad’s deaths. Adept at new technologies, he found ways to keep track of me as I grew up. He emailed and even made video calls over the years. He and his late wife, Jan, brought a welcoming warmth to a world too often unfriendly and cold.

ITEM EIGHT: A private graveside memorial service for my Grandma Lois is scheduled for Saturday morning. She died earlier this month at 93. She, like her daughter Joyce, who raised me after my first set of parents died, possessed an uncanny ability to make people feel relaxed, welcomed and loved. Whatever the state of the world, we need more like Cousin Bobby and Grandma Lois.

ITEM NINE: Apropos of nothing, but it feels like we’ve been staring straight into the world’s asshole for six years.

ITEM LAST: The creators of the Florida Man blog, curators of the most bizarre news from the nation’s weirdest state, have created an adult coloring book based on real news headlines. Adults can sharpen their overpriced colored pencils and bring life to stories such as “Florida man arrested for trying to break into jail to hang out with friends” and “Florida man in bull costume tries to burn down ex-lover’s house with spaghetti sauce.” Remember to ask Santa early as shipping delays are expected due to COVID-19.

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