HOT SHEET: How does that Mormon marshal on ‘Fargo’ keep his carrot sticks so crispy?

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM ONE: The following Hot Sheet contains language. Reader discretion is advised.

ITEM TWO: This Hot Sheet may be recorded for training and assurance purposes.

ITEM THREE: Watch “Fargo.” It’s the best thing on TV. Also, after you catch up on “Fargo,” can somebody tell me how U.S. Marshal Dick “Deafy” Wickware keeps the carrot sticks he carries around so crisp?

ITEM FOUR: Four more jokes to learn and say on Beggars’ Night:

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies!

Q: Why do fish always sing off key?
A: Because you can’t tuna fish.

Q: What kind of horses go out after dusk?
A: Nightmares!

Q: Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
A: It was in tents!

ITEM FIVE: Something you will never hear the ol’ Paragraph Stacker say: “I could go for some more Red Hot Chili Peppers.” That’s true both of the band and in food.

ITEM SIX: The ESPN sports shout show “Pardon The Interruption” recently celebrated 20 years on the air. The show, which stars former Washington Post columnists Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon, is the best of its kind. There are many imitators. Almost all of them are terrible. But Kornheiser and Wilbon have stood the test of time. The typist expects ESPN to fire them at any moment in budget cuts.

ITEM SEVEN: The FieldTurf at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, home of the Atlanta Falcons, is the ugliest in the NFL. It looks like shag carpet from the 1970s, the kind you raked instead of swept.

ITEM LAST: The ol’ Paragraph Stacker’s beloved Chicago Bears play a pro football contest at the Los Angeles Rams tonight. The Bears are inexplicably 5-1, despite an aggressively mediocre offense. The Rams are 4-2 with flashes of excessive mediocrity as well. It should be a perfect game for a nap.

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