From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.
ITEM FIRST: Folks, we are seven days out from Election Day in America. We need to start thinking about our plans for the event.
Memphis Paul, the typist’s best friend, recommends stocking gin and tonic and the sundry accoutrements. Start drinking at about 5 p.m. and you should be good and sauced by 6 p.m. and passed out well before the results start coming in.
The ol’ Paragraph Stacker plans to take his prescription sleeping medication around 6 p.m., turn off all phones and electronic devices and settle into bed with a big glass of iced tea and a novel by Iowa author extraordinaire Max Allan Collins.
To avoid temptation to check the news, he’ll put the phone, TV remotes and other electronic devices in a time-locked safe set to unlock at 7 a.m. the next day.
This may sound extreme, but his vote has been cast. There’s nothing he can do but get wound up by the TV news coverage heavy on scenarios but light on facts.
It’s best to follow the advice of the Ramones: “I wanna be sedated.”
ITEM TWO: The Peacock Network, NBCUniversal’s streaming network, is reviving 1990s teen Saturday morning staple “Saved By the Bell.” Everything in that sentence makes me question humanity’s right to continue to exist.
ITEM THREE: If “Saved By the Bell” comes back from the dead and “A.P. Bio” doesn’t get a renewal, Peacock deserves to become an endangered species.
ITEM FOUR: Four more jokes to learn and say on Beggars’ Night in Des Moines:
Q: What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
A: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: He wasn’t peeling well.
Q: What did the pancake say to the baseball player?
A: Batter up!
Q: How do you cut the ocean in half?
A: With a sea saw!
ITEM FIVE: Retired World Food Prize President Ken Quinn, a former U.S. ambassador to Cambodia and possibly the finest public servant I’ve ever met, contributed the following Beggars’ Night joke:
Q: What do you get when you cross a tiger and a cabbage?
A: Man-eating coleslaw.
ITEM LAST: As we prepare for our COVID-19-adjusted Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s celebrations, the Wall Street Journal interviewed psychotherapist Jeanne Safer, a Democrat who is married to a Republican senior editor at the conservative magazine “National Review” on how to talk — or not talk — about politics with people with whom you disagree.
The take away from the Q&A:
WSJ: Is it even possible to change someone’s political opinion?
Safer: No, no and no.
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