From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.
ITEM FIRST: The typist takes a night class on Thursday and missed publishing Thursday’s Hot Sheet. He apologizes to loyal readers who rely on this critical crass menagerie for information and entertainment amidst the daily drudgery of pandemic restrictions and political campaign excesses.
ITEM TWO: Speaking of political campaigns, the long presidential election cycle draws to a close with last fevered pitches to be made over the weekend. It will soon all be over. By this time next week, the entire country could be engulfed in flames, riots and the general destruction of society as we know it. But at least there won’t be any more political commercials during football games.
ITEM THREE: Speaking of commercials, the typist was surprised to see Sarah Michelle Gellar of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” fame and Freddie Prinze Jr. of “married to Sarah Michelle Gellar” fame starring in a commercial for Cascade dishwasher detergent. The couple traded sweet jokes about “doing it every night,” which of course meant washing dishes with water-conserving Cascade and not that other nasty thing your filthy mind thought about. That’s right Gen Xers, the youngsters once so hip they could play Daphne and Fred in live-action “Scooby-Doo” movies are now playing America’s mom and dad. The typist notes he is older than both Gellar and Prinze Jr. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker feels like time has shoved one of Buffy’s stakes into his heart and he turned to dust and blew away.
ITEM FOUR: Friday is Beggars’ Night in Des Moines, the night the capital city typically sends its children out into their neighborhoods dressed as monsters, superheroes and other characters real and imagined. In eight of the last nine days, the Hot Sheet has published four one-sentence jokes for kids to learn and say, as is also tradition in Des Moines. Due to last night’s absence, the remainder of this edition will be dedicated to silly jokes for Beggars’ Night.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer.
Q: What did 0 say to 8?
A: Nice belt!
Q: What do sharks say when something radical happens?
Q: What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
A: Hip hop.
Q: What do you call a baby with a drum?
A: A baby boomer.
Q: Why was the tomato blushing?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing!
Q: What to you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A: A pouch potato!
Q: What did the policeman say to his tummy?
A: I got you under a vest!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling crummy.
Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless!
Q: What do owls say when they’re introduced?
A: Howl do you do?
Q: What’s the best way to carve wood?
A: Whittle by whittle.
Q: Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
A: Because of its bark!
Q: What room can no one enter?
A: A mushroom.
Q: How did dinosaurs decorate their bedroom?
A: With rep-tiles!
ITEM LAST: Happy Beggars’ Night and happy Halloween everyone. Watch out for cars and pay attention to pandemic procedures.
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