From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.
ITEM FIRST: Idea for country music lyrics: “If I had known it was the last time, I would’ve enjoyed it more.”
ITEM TWO: More country music lyric ideas: “It wasn’t as good as you remember and it’s worse than that now.”
ITEM THREE: Yet more country music lyric ideas: “I got no cry left in me.”
ITEM FOUR: [Insert motivational quote here.]
ITEM FIVE: Even more country music lyrics: “I ain’t going nowhere and I’m well on my way.”
ITEM SIX: Anthropologists say Alaska native people have 50 words for snow. I’d print them here, but 49 of them are profanities.
ITEM SEVEN: Every time a guy who is all backwards baseball cap and beard oil makes a sleazy comment to a woman at a bar, a Corona gets its lime.
ITEM EIGHT: Still more country music lyric ideas: “I don’t remember the last time I did something worth remembering.”
ITEM NINE: Being a single, middle-aged guy is rough. Sometimes I have long, internal debates about whether to nap in the recliner or just go to bed.
ITEM TEN: The 37th cause of death in the United States last year was oral trauma related to lacerations in the roof of the mouth caused by eating Cap’n Crunch.
ITEM ELEVEN: I never read those “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books. I’m more of a “Chili for the Holy Ghost Pepper” kind of guy.
ITEM TWELVE: No, autocorrect, I did not mean that guy is a “ducking bass.”
ITEM LAST: The ol’ Paragraph Stacker said he wasn’t going to publish a Hot Sheet today due to stress from the coming election. You just can’t depend on anything these days.
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