From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.
ITEM FIRST: The 2020 election is going so well CNN has almost paid off its fancy election graphics.
ITEM TWO: There’s still a possibility this is an alternate universe that Rick and Morty fouled up on one of their zany adventures.
ITEM THREE: BABY YODA IS BACK!
ITEM FOUR: At least 17 people have subscribed to a newspaper website with a special trial offer that they will forget to cancel when the trial expires, meaning the paper won’t have to lay off a reporter for another two weeks.
ITEM FIVE: Nevada has called in an expert in counting to speed up the process: The Count from Sesame Street. One! Two! Three! Three absentee votes for Biden! Ah, ah, ah!
ITEM SIX: Unavailable due to recount requested by Trump campaign in Wisconsin.
ITEM SEVEN: The typist drove around his precinct to several locations and didn’t find one active Dumpster fire.
ITEM EIGHT: Look, it’s either the Forever Election or sit through another fucking Zoom meeting. Pick your poison.
ITEM NINE: Unavailable due to a pending lawsuit by the Trump campaign.
ITEM LAST: It’s giving Joe Biden a chance to get in a good nap just in case this thing breaks his way.
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