humor, Iowa, politics, Pop Culture

HOT SHEET: 10 signs the election is going well

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: The 2020 election is going so well CNN has almost paid off its fancy election graphics.

ITEM TWO: There’s still a possibility this is an alternate universe that Rick and Morty fouled up on one of their zany adventures.

ITEM THREE: BABY YODA IS BACK!

ITEM FOUR: At least 17 people have subscribed to a newspaper website with a special trial offer that they will forget to cancel when the trial expires, meaning the paper won’t have to lay off a reporter for another two weeks.

ITEM FIVE: Nevada has called in an expert in counting to speed up the process: The Count from Sesame Street. One! Two! Three! Three absentee votes for Biden! Ah, ah, ah!

ITEM SIX: Unavailable due to recount requested by Trump campaign in Wisconsin.

ITEM SEVEN: The typist drove around his precinct to several locations and didn’t find one active Dumpster fire.

ITEM EIGHT: Look, it’s either the Forever Election or sit through another fucking Zoom meeting. Pick your poison.

ITEM NINE: Unavailable due to a pending lawsuit by the Trump campaign.

ITEM LAST: It’s giving Joe Biden a chance to get in a good nap just in case this thing breaks his way.

Daniel P. Finney is a robot in disguise.

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