Typed by friendly neighborhood paragraph stacker Daniel P. Finney in Des Moines, Iowa.
Do you know who must be especially freaked out these days?
I mean besides everyone.
Bank tellers have to be on edge unlike anyone else in the middle of the pandemic.
You spend your whole career thinking that if someone comes into the bank wearing a mask, there’s probably going to be trouble.
Hit the alarm.
Call the cops.
Get the ink bomb ready for the getaway bag.
But in the pandemic?
Somebody comes into the bank without a mask and that’s trouble.
You’ve got to ask them to put a mask on.
Then you’ve got to tell them to put a mask on.
Pretty soon you’re yelling at them to put a mask on.
Sir? Sir! Masks are required in the bank!
And you know what?
Getting a guy to put a mask on could go either way.
It’s not like a bank robbery.
Most bank robberies are boring.
Guy walks up to the teller, hands them a note and they run out with as much cash as they can get from a drawer.
The other customers don’t even know what happened.
But today, a guy not wearing a mask could go either way.
The sensible people, of which there are precious few, will be like, “Oh, of course. My bad. I took it off in the car to eat a delicious burger and fries from that new place downtown. I’ll just slide the mask right on up. Sorry.”
But there seems to be an equal chance, perhaps greater than equal, that the teller asks a guy to wear a mask and they start screaming like William Wallace in “Braveheart.”
“COVID-19 may take our lives, but they’ll never take our FREEDOM!”
As an aside, when you think of it, what a stupid thing to say.
Once they’ve taken your life, you have no freedom.
Dead people have no rights.
They can’t even move.
They’re just decomposing in a box, crypt or urn somewhere.
They can’t vote.
They can’t engage in policy discussion.
They can’t even tweet.
Anyway, the anti-mask guy at the back of the bank starts shouting about FREEDOM and TYRANNY and HOAX.
And the clerk is like, “Look, I’ve got asthma, all right? COVID-19 would hit me pretty hard. Could you just wear a mask, sir?”
And this guy starts going off about he’s got a medical condition that prevents him from breathing with a mask on.
He can’t name the condition.
He has no medical documentation.
It can’t be anything with the lungs, because he can yell like a snowplow mom after her kid gets an A- in art.
Anyway, there’s cries of freedom.
Cops get involved.
There’s a lot of drama.
People record it on their mobile phones for their TikTok and Instagram.
And the teller probably has to fill out more paperwork.
They thought this would be a good job.
Count out money for customers.
Traveler’s checks, back in the day.
Give a Dum Dum lollipop to kids who come in with their parents.
You saw a guy with a mask, you hit the silent alarm.
Now, you see a guy with a mask, you end up in a political debate.
Everything’s a big damn hassle.
It’s why four out of five bank tellers use the ATM.
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