From the desk of friendly neighborhood Paragraph Stacker Daniel P. Finney.
A chemical imbalance that manifests as depression and anxiety. They tag team on my thoughts. They sap the joy from my favorite things. They turn fun into fear. They sap my energy, snuff my humor and turn anger and hate inward. Depression wipes out all positive thought.
It feels like a weighted blanket on my chest, but instead of warmth and comfort it holds me down so heavily that I can barely breathe. Sometimes it almost feels safe under the blanket. I can’t feel anything. My emotions go blank. My concentration falters. My brain slows so much that it becomes hard to find basic words. All I want to do is sleep, because when you’re asleep at least you don’t feel the sadness and fear.
I overeat and spend money when I’m depressed. I work on the problems with my behavioral therapist, but over the years I’ve spent myself into bankruptcy and eaten myself into morbid obesity.
The depression and anxiety resurged earlier this month. There are lots of reasons, but I choose.
The anxiety condition means I suffer from panic attacks. When it acts up, I feel fear. Sometimes the fear is response to stimulus: a mistake made at work, a social faux pas or an overindulgence.
Sometimes there is no reason for the panic. It just settles in like a thunderstorm inside my skull. My doctor gives me little yellow pills. They usually work within about 15 or 30 minutes.
Once in a while, though, the panic gets past the pills. That happened earlier this month. The panic set in about 8:30 a.m. and just sat on my chest until around 3:30 p.m.
I tried to nap. The panic usually subsides when I sleep. It didn’t work. I dozed, but I could feel the tightness in my chest, the restlessness and uneasiness. It was still there when I woke up.
The worst panic attacks feel as if my skin is itching on the inside out. This was not one of those. This was a lesser variety, but still exhausting.
I struggled to concentrate on the TV show I had recorded. I tried to mindlessly watch sports highlights. But everything seemed irritating and unsettled.
I dimmed the lights and turned on the fans. I tried to imagine myself pitching a baseball. I thought about dragging my cleat along the rubber atop the mound. I thought about the feel of the baseball on my fingertips. I could almost smell the dirt on my hands.
I imagined the fan blowing the hair on my arms was actually a gentle breeze on a calm, cool day at the park. I could hear the gentle rustling of the crowd chatting.
I never got around to throwing the ball. I never do. It’s just a technique I use to try and calm myself down. It was only partially successful.
The worst part of panic attacks are the thoughts. Every thought is carried out to its most gruesome conclusion.
For example: I ate pasta for dinner. That’s bad for my blood sugar. I’m diabetic. I’m going to have to have my feet amputated. I will die broke and alone in a wheelchair at a county hospital.
Sometimes I think about killing myself. I think about jumping off a parking garage. This is all in my head, mind you. No actions are taken.
Usually, I am able to brush those thoughts off without much trouble. I want to feel relief, I remind myself. A dead man cannot feel relief.
If the thoughts get too noisy, I call my therapist. He’s an excellent therapist. He is a former U.S. Army Ranger. He is direct, thoughtful and quick. A few minutes with him on the phone are enough to get me back into acceptable condition.
I have a few friends I can call in this situation, but I make those contacts sparse. My friends, the closest of them, understand the reality of depression and anxiety. But even some I’ve known for years still believe these mood disorders can be adjusted like car stereo dials.
One of the worst parts of living with these disorders is fear that people don’t believe they’re real or that they’ll hit me with the old cliches. Think positive thoughts. Cheer up. Other people have things a lot worse than you do.
Society treats mental health differently from other health conditions. We probably wouldn’t advise someone having a heart attack to say, “Just think you’re not having a heart attack.” We likely would call 911 if we knew a diabetic was going into insulin shock. But with depression we ask them to pretend, because we don’t believe them.
Things have changed in recent years. More public discussion improved understanding and attitudes, but not so much that even people I am close to wonder if the medication I take is the problem and not the treatment for the problem.
Once I had a panic attack where I got a song stuck in my head. It was summer 1999. I kept hearing the song over and over again, each replay getting louder and shriller. I thought I was going to have to stick an ice pick in my brain just to end the torment.
That was a bad night. I didn’t know what panic attacks were then. I wouldn’t be diagnosed for another two years.
I write about this not to terrify my friends and family who might read it. Sometimes that happens. They get sad because I am not always happy. But most people are not always happy. They might pretend to be, but they’re not.
To them, I say that I am OK. I manage this problem. I’m not going to die from it. Nothing bad is going to happen. I take pretty good care of myself in this regard.
It’s no different than high blood pressure or high cholesterol. Mental health problems are just like other medical problems. They can all be fatal if not treated, but most days, for most people, they don’t amount to much more than taking your medication on time.
I don’t write about my mental health problems as a plea for sympathy, either. I am who I am. These problems are a part of me, but they are not all of me. Yes, I struggle. But most people do with some kind of problem or another.
But I write about this because most of the dialog about mental health is about very extreme cases: people who are severely disabled and unable to function or people who have committed crimes.
That’s understandable. The dire end of the spectrum needs our help the most. But most of us live in the great, wide middle. I am able to work most of the time, but sometimes I have sleepless nights like this one. Sometimes I’m edgy and rude. But, generally, I live a full life with family, friends and adventures that interest me.
I write about this because I know there are other people like me out there, who have bad days in their brain. I write this as a message to my fellow mental health travelers: It’s OK. You are not alone.
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I hear you. I had my first panic attack when I was 12. It took thirty more years for a medical diagnosis. Thank you for your thoughtful post. You are not alone.
I suffer from bad brain days as well. I’m a spiral thinker, and, like you, take everything to its pinnacle. I sleep a lot too. And I agree, people who have never felt this don’t understand.
Your pitching meditation is fun. I go back to a sunny beach, in a low chair, the tide brushing my feet. I’ve never been so relaxed as I was that day.
So what I’m saying is… keep up the good fight.
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I’m so sorry this was a bad day. Yer still the Dude, though. Dude. 🌞
My 12 year old granddaughter has been having panic attacks for several years, but they have increased. I try to support her with relaxing breathing with her, but don’t know what is the best way to help her, besides letting her know I am always there for her.
Thank you…I can relate…take care☀️
From someone “in the middle,” thank you for this very relatable, powerful essay. Writing like this changes lives, one person at a time.
Oh,Dan. I, too suffer from what your writing includes. No, we are never alone, but a lot of times it is hard to grasp that thought when it is so bad. SAD doesn’t help during this time of year as well. It just complicate what is going on in our brains that won’t shut off sometimes. Most nights I cannot fall asleep without “help” even though I am tired or exhausted, as my brain will not shut off. You and I both know “it” never goes away, but does get a bit better. For awhile.
Appreciate this post and I think you are very strong for sharing. Also, that’s a dope Hulk poster in the background. Take care!