Remembering the Alamo and other New Year’s resolutions for 2022

Ladies, gentlemen, and all points in between, we hope you enjoyed our presentation of 2021, but due to time constraints, we are moving the action forward to 2022.

We begin the New Year by making a list. No, not a grocery list. That’s useful. This is a list of resolutions.

“Resolutions” sound important. Abraham Lincoln was serious when he said “that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain” in the Gettysburg Address.

New Year’s Resolutions often are made by people hung over from celebrating the end of the year who have suddenly found religion by praying to the higher power of choice to take the headache and vomiting away.

We here at didn’t imbibe mass quantiles of anything but iced tea on New Year’s Eve and fell asleep sometime before 11 p.m.

Still, despite our otherwise high standards for comedy, we are not immune to relying on a lazy trope for a column to start the year.

Here, then, are the ol’ Paragraph Stackers New Year’s Resolutions for the year 2022.

I resolve:


To remember the Alamo.


To included in any questions about my musical influences the phrase, “Dylan, obviously.”


To stop finding weight.


To never pass on the opportunity for a nap.


To remember it was Jim Bowie, not David Bowie, who died at the Alamo.


To #neverforget tacos rule.


To never bet the over, the under, the spread, the points, or on Iowa to complete a forward pass.


To never agree to anything with terms and conditions unless I’m being paid money.


To bring the Hamburgler to justice.


To never use the word “present” as if it means something of any greater emotional significant than a person is in attendance.


To remember it was Davey Crockett and not Sonny Crockett who died at the Alamo.


To remember three jokes about the Alamo, including a reference to “Miami Vice,” is probably three too many Alamo jokes to start a year.

Daniel P. Finney wrote for newspapers for 27 years before being laid off in 2020. He teaches middle school English now. He writes columns and podcasts for, a free, reader-supported website. Please consider donating $10 a month to help him cover the expenses of this site.
Post: 1217 24th St., Apt. 36, Des Moines, 50311.

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