Pick your favorite song.
No, not just your favorite song.
Pick a song that’s so good it can bring you out of a funk and restore your soul.
Pick a song that would drive out a demon and prevent you from being dragged to the Upside Down and devoured.
OK, the previous paragraph needs an explanation.
“Stranger Things” is a show on the streaming service Netflix about a bunch of teenage misfits who save the world by basically understanding Dungeons & Dragons and a little bit of high school science.
Many movies in the 1980s worked this way. Pre-adolescent children saved the world while clueless adults watched the news.
“Stranger Things” is in its fourth season. In one episode, the character Max is about to be dragged to the Upside Down — the show’s version of hell — but she’s saved at the last second by her ex-boyfriend remembering her favorite song is ”Running Up That Hill” by Kate Bush.
He plays the song on her Walkman cassette, and she avoids a trip to hell.
This is silly, but it tugs at the heartstrings of many people from my generation who were raised on movies, TV, and music.
This plot point inspired scores of columns and news stories about what song people would choose to prevent being dragged to hell by a vampire tree monster.
This is silly, too, but the larger the news outlet is, the sillier its stories are.
But I’ll play along.
Let’s say I buy into this premise that a pop song could save me from a demon.
My first instinct would be the Lord’s Prayer rather than a pop music song.
I was raised Methodist. I don’t practice, but with an actual demon dragging me to the Upside Down, I’ll start reciting the prayer with emphasis.
Alas, this is modern content on a streaming service.
The only way religion can be presented is to be totally ignored, as it is in “Stranger Things,” or alluded to with snide mockery, as it is far too many other places.
So, if religion is off the table, what song would I pick?
I used to have a CD collection that numbered in the high thousands.
Side note: Parents 2.0, the kindly couple who raised me after my parents died, gave me my first CD player and five CDs to fill up the 5-disc changer.
As my collection started to pile up around the house, Dad 2.0 offered a note on frugality that I wish I had considered earlier in my life.
“You can only listen to one at a time,” he said.
Anyway, back to the “Stranger Things” song challenge.
I thought about this for weeks and I don’t have a good answer.
Part of the problem is I’m a middle-aged man. Music doesn’t occupy the same space in my life that it did when I was an adolescent or college kid.
My friend Tracey Doyle always seemed to know about every band and their story before anyone else had heard them play a note.
She might take a while to answer this question because the breadth of her musical knowledge is so huge.
Me? I learned most of my favorite songs from movie soundtracks and commercial radio. The songs I’m fondest of are tied to specific memories.
“Lady in Red” by Chris De Burgh reminds me of my first girlfriend, my first kiss, and a lovely dance at the 12-B formal in 1992.
If the demon’s tendrils were around my ankle, I don’t think a love song that recalls a long-ago-ended relationship will be the thing to inspire me to kick free.
My favorite band is Creedence Clearwater Revival. I constantly play their greatest hits in my car.
Would “Fortunate Son” going to wrest me free from the demon?
I don’t know. I think of CCR as my chill music. I like to put on the headphones, close my eyes, and space out.
My favorite artist is Taylor Swift. I love “No Body, No Crime” from her “Evermore” album, but is a country noir murder ballad going to prevent my murder by demons?
I doubt it.
I think the only thing that would shake the demons out of me is a song I despise more than the idea of being eaten by a tree vampire.
Only one song fits that bill: “Ebony and Ivory,” by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder.
Two of the greatest songwriters and artists combined to make this simplistic, sentimental pap.
I hate this song. I know others love it. It might even be some poor, lost soul’s favorite song.
We’re all free to choose which things we love and hate in this world, especially unimportant things like pop music.
And I hate “Ebony and Ivory.”
Just a few notes of it pouring into my ears would have me fist-fighting the devil himself.
By the time they reach the chorus, I would be free of the demon and running down the road.
The only stop I’d make is at church, to say the Lord’s Prayer.
Middle school teacher Daniel P. Finney writes a column for the Marion County Gazette.
Daniel P. Finney writes columns for ParagraphStacker.com, a free, reader-supported website. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification.
Post: 1217 24th St., Apt. 36, Des Moines, 50311.