comics, Movies, Pop Culture, reviews

HOT SHEET: 5-sentence reviews of ‘Birds of Prey,’ ‘Class Action Park’ and ‘SCOOB!’

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, hot seat editor, 24th Street bureau, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: We’re all stuck inside and, if we’re following CDC guidelines, not traveling or gathering for Thanksgiving. So, it’s time for the ol’ Paragraph Stacker to break out some of his patented five-sentence reviews. Plus, he got a free trial of HBO Max’s streaming service to help him get through the crushing grief of not being able to eat Mom 2.0’s dressing.

ITEM SECOND: 5-sentence review of “Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn),” HBO Max, (2020).

  1. Margot Robbie reprises her role as Harley Quinn, the psychiatrist who fell in love with Batman’s nemesis the Joker first seen on screen in the 2016 stinker “Suicide Squad.”
  2. Robbie is the best part of both movies, which damns her with faint praise because both movies are awful, though in different ways.
  3. “Suicide Squad” is awful in the way superhero movies often are: too many characters with no clear purpose or reason to be together fighting a big CGI blob at the end.
  4. “Birds of Prey” brings together a lot of strong women to portray ill-conceived and unbelievably shallow characters to fight a throng of armed goons that ends with one big, unsatisfying boom.
  5. There may be an attempt at some underlying attempt at positive messaging about female bonding, but if this is the kind of garbage women have to watch to feel seen and represented in society and art, the patriarchy has a lot more to answer for than previously thought.

ITEM THIRD: 5-sentence review of “Class Action Park,” HBO Max, (2020).

  1. This documentary alternates between a nostalgic reminisce and grisly crime story of an amusement park in Vernon Township, New Jersey, in the greater New York City area known as Action Park.
  2. Wall Street hustler Eugene Mulvihill opened the combination water and motorsports park with almost no engineering and no supervision as thousands of New York and New Jersey youth broke bones, ripped off their skin and died on the dangerous rides between 1978 and 1996.
  3. The film relies heavily on some MTV “Headbangers Ball” footage shot there as well as a tourism video and some home video footage, which limits the visual scope of the film.
  4. Interviews with patrons and former park workers, as well as the mother of the first person to die at the park, force the viewer to sway between funny anecdotes and true tragedy without much reverence for the dead or their survivors.
  5. “Class Action Park” is a worthy watch, but as it closes it reinforces two points: Teenagers should never be trusted with anything ever and people from New York and New Jersey are insufferable.

ITEM FOUR: Five-sentence review of “Scoob!,” HBO Max, (2020).

  1. Scooby-Doo was good exactly one time: in the 1969-70 confusingly punctuated series “Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!” created by Joe Ruby and Ken Spears.
  2. Every incarnation after that has diluted the character, from the hour-long “movies” with guest stars such as Phyllis Diller, Tim Conway and the Harlem Globetrotters, to the abysmal creation of Scrappy-Doo.
  3. Warner Bros. made two live-action movies with a CGI Scooby and Sarah Michelle Gellar of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” fame in a very short purple skirt.
  4. “Scoob!” is an attempt at a love letter for Hanna-Barbera cartoons and attempts to cram in Dastardly and Muttley and the Blue Falcon and Dynomutt into an all-CGI (Does no one draw anymore?) Scooby-Doo movie with a plot that boils down to “friendship fixes everything.”
  5. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker seldom concedes that when you’re an adult you should put away childish things, but perhaps with Scooby-Doo, it’s better he stick to the originals that gave a few laughs than another redux.

ITEM LAST: This blog will become private in a few weeks, which means you’ll have to request access to read the posts. It’ll still be free, but there will be an extra step to reading posts. The easiest way to avoid all that is go to https://paragraphstacker.com/ now and look for the follow button on the left side of the page. Enter your email address and confirm it. You’ll get every post delivered to your inbox.

One day, Lucy is going to let Daniel P. Finney kick that football.

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humor, Media, News, Pop Culture, reviews, TV

HOT SHEET: Thank God! ‘Bob’s Burgers’ and ‘Fargo’ are back … and other crap, too

Monday, Sept. 28, 2020

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM ONE: “The Simpsons” returned with another episode that seems like most of the episodes from the last 20 years. The typist notes that in 1991, American parents believed Bart Simpson’s flippant flouting of authority would lead to the downfall of society. Now “The Simpsons” are a part of Disney+ kid-friendly streaming service. Yet as “The Simpsons” enter a 32nd season of endlessly edifying the incalculable stupidity of Homer Simpson, society actually feels on the verge of permanent fracture due in no small part to people as dumb as or dumber than Homer.

ITEM TWO: “Family Guy” returned. The series feels only slightly less perfunctory than “The Simpsons.” Most episodes are good for two jokes. Anyway, Stewie said the f-word in church and there was a funny cutaway gag about racist Boston sports fan.

ITEM THREE: “Bob’s Burgers” remains the best of Fox’s animated lineup and perhaps the network’s best series since “King of the Hill.” It depicts a believable family with wise-cracking kids with terrific writing that manages to coast the line between absurdity and believability by coupling each episode with a catchy original song. The 11th season debuts with Bob worried about his personal faults and daughter Tina’s struggles to learn a hand-slapping game.

ITEM FOUR: Unavailable due to COVID-19 protocol.

ITEM FIVE: The magnificent crime anthology series “Fargo” returned after a three-year hiatus. This season centers the tension between Italian and Black crime families in Kansas City. The 2-hour opener also features a nurse who murders patients, a mixed-race couple and their 16-year-old daughter with a predilection for investigation and a police detective with obsessive compulsive disorder. Those who missed the previous seasons can jump in here and not miss a beat. “Fargo” was cable TV’s best series when it was on in 2014, 2015 and 2017. The year 2020 needs “Fargo” more than any of those years.

ITEM LAST: A previous edition of the Hot Sheet promised the message would self-destruct in 30 seconds. Many readers reported the message did not self-destruct and they felt cheated. We are working with our vendor to discover where this error occurred and hope to deliver promised self-destructing messages sometime late Q4 or early Q1. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Three out of four dentists recommend chewing Daniel P. Finney.

Cut loose and cashiered by corporate media, lone paragraph stacker Daniel P. Finney makes his way telling stories about his city, state and nation. No more metrics or Google trends, he writes stories about people and life ignored by the oligarchy.

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