HOT SHEET: Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. are America’s sexy mom and dad now — plus the last of the trick-or-treat jokes for 2020

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: The typist takes a night class on Thursday and missed publishing Thursday’s Hot Sheet. He apologizes to loyal readers who rely on this critical crass menagerie for information and entertainment amidst the daily drudgery of pandemic restrictions and political campaign excesses.

ITEM TWO: Speaking of political campaigns, the long presidential election cycle draws to a close with last fevered pitches to be made over the weekend. It will soon all be over. By this time next week, the entire country could be engulfed in flames, riots and the general destruction of society as we know it. But at least there won’t be any more political commercials during football games.

ITEM THREE: Speaking of commercials, the typist was surprised to see Sarah Michelle Gellar of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” fame and Freddie Prinze Jr. of “married to Sarah Michelle Gellar” fame starring in a commercial for Cascade dishwasher detergent. The couple traded sweet jokes about “doing it every night,” which of course meant washing dishes with water-conserving Cascade and not that other nasty thing your filthy mind thought about. That’s right Gen Xers, the youngsters once so hip they could play Daphne and Fred in live-action “Scooby-Doo” movies are now playing America’s mom and dad. The typist notes he is older than both Gellar and Prinze Jr. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker feels like time has shoved one of Buffy’s stakes into his heart and he turned to dust and blew away.

ITEM FOUR: Friday is Beggars’ Night in Des Moines, the night the capital city typically sends its children out into their neighborhoods dressed as monsters, superheroes and other characters real and imagined. In eight of the last nine days, the Hot Sheet has published four one-sentence jokes for kids to learn and say, as is also tradition in Des Moines. Due to last night’s absence, the remainder of this edition will be dedicated to silly jokes for Beggars’ Night.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?

A: A bulldozer.

Q: What did 0 say to 8?
A:
Nice belt!

Q: What do sharks say when something radical happens?
A:
Jawesome!

Q: What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
A:
Hip hop.

Q: What do you call a baby with a drum?
A:
A baby boomer.

Q: Why was the tomato blushing?
A:
Because he saw the salad dressing!

Q: What to you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A: A pouch potato!

Q: What did the policeman say to his tummy?
A:
I got you under a vest!

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A:
He was feeling crummy.

Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
A:
Because it’s pointless!

Q: What do owls say when they’re introduced?
A:
Howl do you do?

Q: What’s the best way to carve wood?
A:
Whittle by whittle.

Q: Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
A:
Because of its bark!

Q: What room can no one enter?
A:
A mushroom.

Q: How did dinosaurs decorate their bedroom?
A:
With rep-tiles!

ITEM LAST: Happy Beggars’ Night and happy Halloween everyone. Watch out for cars and pay attention to pandemic procedures.

Q: What’s black and white and read all over? A: Daniel P. Finney’s Paragraph Stacker.

ParagraphStacker.com is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification. Visit paypal.me/paragraphstacker.

HOT SHEET: Let people have their pineapple on pizza and pumpkin spiced everything; More ways to avoid Election Day blather; and new comics Wednesday recommendations

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: Let’s stop fussing about things that some people enjoy but don’t affect our ability to enjoy similar things. The typist refers to, of course, the great debates of our time: pineapple on pizza and pumpkin spice flavors. This is America. There is room for people who love pineapple on pizza and people who hate pineapple on pizza. Pumpkin spice flavors may seem ubiquitous during the fall, but that is only because lots of people enjoy it and corporate America is not very creative. The only time you have to worry is if somebody tries to require pineapple on every pizza or pumpkin spice in every latte. In other words, friends, live and let live.

ITEM TWO: Today in COVID-19/Election Day survival tips: Randy Evans, executive director of the Iowa Freedom of Information Council, recommends careful consideration of the comedic stylings of Jerry Van Dyke in “Coach” reruns available in the Des Moines metro on WHO-TV’s digital subchannel 13.3.

The ol’ Paragraph Stacker chips in with his traditional favorites: classic “Doctor Who” and old school James Bond movies, both found on the free streaming service PlutoTV.

At no point should you turn on or read the news. It will only depress you.

ITEM THREE: Unavailable due to the typist’s need for self-care.

ITEM FOUR: Four more jokes to learn and say on Beggars’ Night in Des Moines:

Q: What building has the most stories?
A:
A Library!

Q: What do you call a grandmother who tells jokes?
A: A gram cracker!

Q: Where should you go if your dog is missing?
A:
The lost and hound.

Q: What has no legs but can do a split?
A: A banana.

ITEM FIVE: New comics Wednesday recommendations:

  • SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN: WHO KILLED JIMMY OLSON — This trade paperback collects all 12 issues of Matt Fraction and Steve Lieber’s Silver Age romp with comics’ most famous newspaper photographer. Need more? There are giant turtles. Giant. Turtles.
  • RED SONJA AND VAMPIRELLA MEET BETTY AND VERONICA, VOL. 1 — These Archie Comics crossovers are always fun. Crossing two of comics’ great sexpots, Vampirella and Red Sonja, with the seemingly sugar-sweet Betty and Veronica might seem like an odd juxtaposition, but remember Archie once hung out with the Punisher.
  • VAMPIRELLA VOL. 1: SEDUCTION OF THE INNOCENT — The ol’ Paragraph Stacker makes no apologies for his appreciation of Vampirella comics, but the title “Seduction of the Innocent,” a reference to a debunked book that tried to get Congress to censor comics, makes him want this one all the more.

ITEM LAST: At the risk of adding more worry to these anxiety-riddled times, the typist notes the Florida Man website, home to stories of the most bizarre behavior in our wacked-out nation, has not updated with any Florida man fuckery since Sept. 29. Could it be Florida has settled down to be just average? One shudders at the thought.

Daniel P. Finney is the best there is at what he does. What he does is nap.

ParagraphStacker.com is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification. Visit paypal.me/paragraphstacker.

HOT SHEET: How does that Mormon marshal on ‘Fargo’ keep his carrot sticks so crispy?

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM ONE: The following Hot Sheet contains language. Reader discretion is advised.

ITEM TWO: This Hot Sheet may be recorded for training and assurance purposes.

ITEM THREE: Watch “Fargo.” It’s the best thing on TV. Also, after you catch up on “Fargo,” can somebody tell me how U.S. Marshal Dick “Deafy” Wickware keeps the carrot sticks he carries around so crisp?

ITEM FOUR: Four more jokes to learn and say on Beggars’ Night:

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies!

Q: Why do fish always sing off key?
A: Because you can’t tuna fish.

Q: What kind of horses go out after dusk?
A: Nightmares!

Q: Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
A: It was in tents!

ITEM FIVE: Something you will never hear the ol’ Paragraph Stacker say: “I could go for some more Red Hot Chili Peppers.” That’s true both of the band and in food.

ITEM SIX: The ESPN sports shout show “Pardon The Interruption” recently celebrated 20 years on the air. The show, which stars former Washington Post columnists Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon, is the best of its kind. There are many imitators. Almost all of them are terrible. But Kornheiser and Wilbon have stood the test of time. The typist expects ESPN to fire them at any moment in budget cuts.

ITEM SEVEN: The FieldTurf at Mercedes-Benz Stadium, home of the Atlanta Falcons, is the ugliest in the NFL. It looks like shag carpet from the 1970s, the kind you raked instead of swept.

ITEM LAST: The ol’ Paragraph Stacker’s beloved Chicago Bears play a pro football contest at the Los Angeles Rams tonight. The Bears are inexplicably 5-1, despite an aggressively mediocre offense. The Rams are 4-2 with flashes of excessive mediocrity as well. It should be a perfect game for a nap.

Daniel P. Finney helped her out of a jam one night but guesses he used a little too much force.

ParagraphStacker.com is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification. Visit paypal.me/paragraphstacker.