des moines, politics, sports

Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds is a superspreader clown and she makes our state look stupider than the failed Democratic caucuses did in January

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, hot seat editor, 24th Street bureau, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: Iowans of all political stripes should thank Gov. Kim Reynolds, a Republican, for putting the state in the national spotlight again. At her daily word-salad tossing in front of cameras, she boldly declared “there’s science on both sides” of wearing masks in efforts to contain the spread of COVID-19. Iowa hasn’t looked this stupid since the Democratic first-in-the-nation Iowa Caucuses imploded in real time to launch the Forever Election back in January. Since then, COVID Kim has taken the lead with pure, unfiltered idiocy. Highlights include her dramatic slow response to the derecho disaster and her ongoing no response to the global pandemic.

ITEM TWO: Folks, I don’t know about you, but if COVID Kim is right about this “both sides” of wearing masks to preventing the spread of viruses things, I’m firmly on the side that doctors performing surgery should wear masks and politicians who think people who think there’s a valid excuse for not wearing a mask during a global pandemic should have to wear clown makeup.

ITEM THREE: This just in, beloved Iowa State Fair promoter and all-around host du jour Bill Riley has risen from the grave to crown Madison County’s Kim Reynolds Superspreader Queen of Iowa for Life. Riley immediately contracted COVID-19 and died again.

ITEM FOUR: The Chicago Bears are what the Hot Sheet thought they were: a really terrible pro football team. The Bears fell to 5-5, which left people who follow football regularly wondering how a team without an offense won five games at all. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker is not Catholic, but he considers watching the team to be penance for enjoying all those New York Yankees championships in the late 1990s.

The typist is such a fan of Taylor Swift he once paid a photo agency a small amount of money so that he could use this photo on his blog.

ITEM LAST: On the bright side, Hot Sheet favorite and music superstar Taylor Swift gave the middle finger to the greedy hustlers that run the music industry. In short, a sleazy suit named Scooter Braun bought the recording company Swift signed with when she was 15. The company owned Swift’s recording catalogue. Swift claims Scooter tried to bully her into resigning. She walked and went on to remain the princess of all pop music. Another group of moneybags came along and bought Swift’s master recordings from Scooter — seriously, moms, don’t ever let your children be called “Scooter” — and asked Swift to come into the fold. But the new contract would have still shuffled money to Scooter. So she told them all to get bent and she would rerecord her entire catalog on masters she owns and they could all pound sand. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker admires anyone who bets on their art. He wishes he had done it years ago in his long and twisted career in journalism. As it stands, he doesn’t own a single word he’s ever written. Then again, who wants to buy a collection of his old weather stories? Still, Swift is betting on her art, her talent and the loyalty of her fans. And she will win. Because the typist is telling you right now if Swift said, “Go buy a re-recorded copy of ‘1989,’” he would do it and wait to be told what to buy next by Swifty.

Daniel P. Finney wonders what CapitalOne put in Jennifer Garner’s wallet to get her to sell out a decent acting career to pimp for a succubus credit card company.

ParagraphStacker.com is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification. Visit paypal.me/paragraphstacker.

des moines, Iowa, News, politics

Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds continues to embarrass herself with her non-handling of COVID-19 pandemic

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, hot seat editor, 24th Street bureau, Des Moines, Iowa.

Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds sure seems sweet enough when she goes before cameras to announce that’s she’s effectively doing not one single goddamn thing to stop the spread of coronavirus in her state.

She has the voice of a kindergarten teacher, welcoming all the students and urging us to sit on our placemats and not piss ourselves as she uses none of her constitutional authority to quell the spread.

In dulcet tones, COVID Kim, Iowa’s very own Hanoi Jane, tells us this is not about mandates.

It is.

Mandate the fucking masks already. It slows the spread. It’s provably true.

Instead, she has another mealy-mouthed, half-assed measure about gathering sizes and masks for people indoors longer than 15 minutes under a full moon with winds from the south, southwest.

Reynolds says there’s not enough law enforcement in the state to enforce such a mandate.

My friend Grant Jordan tweeted: “We don’t have enough law enforcement to enforce fucking speeding but we still have a damn speed limit don’t we?”

Reynolds ordered elective surgeries limited. Most of the hospitals quit booking elective surgeries months ago. Hospitals in Des Moines have kicked doctors and other medical professionals out of their offices to make room for emergency beds.

Elective surgeries were low on their list.

I will give COVID Kim exactly this much slack: Her Republican compatriots in Congress managed to convince half the country that COVID is a hoax or, at a minimum, it only killed people who were going to die anyway.

Well, we’re all going to die, I suppose. But there’s dying because you reached the end of your natural life cycle and there’s dying because you played Russian roulette with an AR-15.

COVID Kim shut down all youth sports except for high school. College and pros march on.

Somebody tell me how in the hell we’re going to have wrestling season in this state with every county slathered in COVID?

Basketball is hardly better unless we turn it into games of social-distanced HORSE.

COVID Kim could have stopped crowds at college games. She didn’t.

Thank God we’ve preserved the potential for crowds at the NBA D-League and minor league hockey games that hardly anyone attends. Those were socially distanced by lack of interest.

COVID Kim’s do-nothing approach to the pandemic officially pushes her past Chet Culver as the worst governor in my lifetime.

She’s still two-stepping to lame duck President Donald Trump’s kazoo orchestra.

Who knows what Trump will do after he leaves the White House — and he will leave — but if he starts a band, he should hire COVID Kim as a back-up singer.

Daniel P. Finney covers rage and anguish for ParagraphStacker.com.

ParagraphStacker.com is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification. Visit paypal.me/paragraphstacker.

des moines, humor, Iowa, News, People, Pop Culture

HOT SHEET: Monkeys are taking selfies and the Peeps are on hiatus

From the Desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM ONE: The knockdown, drag-out brawl between Des Moines public schools and Gov. Kim Reynolds continues. Iowa’s largest school district is suing the state for an exemption from Reynolds’ order that districts provide at least halftime in-person instruction during the COVID-19 pandemic. Des Moines school officials argue they can’t adequately social distance, especially in their high school classrooms. Des Moines schools continue to defy the governor’s orders and offer online-only instruction. Meanwhile, Reynolds’ minions in the Iowa Department of Education are threatening to strip Des Moines schools of their accreditation. The whole thing feels like a Popeye-versus-Brutus throwdown and nobody has a can of spinach. We live in a society that doesn’t seem to give a good goddamn about right and wrong, only which team they’re on. So people inclined to believe Reynolds is the best governor Iowa’s had since Terry Branstad will likely back her “smack them on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper” approach. Those inclined to believe Des Moines schools are doing what they believe is best for their students, faculty and staff based on Centers for Disease Control recommendations will likely see the governor as a big meanie for asserting her lawful powers. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker can’t help but wonder how Gov. Bob Ray would have handled this situation. He tended to be the kind of fellow who found the middle ground with opponents and worked out compromises that served people rather than party or power. Of course, Ray is dead, and his brand of politics preceded his death by a good 20 years. So, in the absence of even a granule of moderation, Iowans are doomed to watch schools fight the state – apparently to the death.

ITEM TWO: Campaign minions for Iowa’s Dollar Store Sarah Palin, Sen. Joni Ernst, is lying about her challenger’s support of law enforcement to score points with her base, per an article on the left-leaning website Iowa Starting Line. The right-wing website Breitbart, which Hot Sheet refuses to link to the way one would not eat food off a gas station restroom floor, attacked Ernst opponent Theresa Greenfield for “calling all Iowa police departments racist.” What Greenfield actually said, in an interview with WHO-TV : “I can tell you we do need to address systemic racism, not only in our policing but in our housing policies and systems, in education, in health care, in financing, lending, and so much more.” Earlier this month, ol’ Empty Suit Ernst riled up her followers with more lies about Greenfield’s views on law enforcement. “My opponent, just about a week ago, said that our law enforcement officials, right here in the state of Iowa, are systemically racist … which means that every single sheriff’s deputy, sheriff, every police officer, every trooper out there, she’s calling them racist. I don’t believe that, do you? No. … I’m going to stand with our men and women in blue.” Surely, we haven’t gone through all of this social upheaval this year just to come to the moronic conclusion that one is either for Black Lives Matter or for the police. If all Ernst offers is more with-us-or-against-us mentality, the ol’ Paragraph Stacker hopes Sen. Pig Castration finds herself on the cutting room floor come November.

ITEM THREE: The ol’ Paragraph Stacker must make an embarrassing correction. Earlier this week, the typist wrote about the death of his 92-year-old grandmother, Lois Newcomb. But it turns out, Lois’ first name was actually Margaret. The typist has been a member of this family for almost 30 of his 45 years and not once has heard the name Margaret mentioned until her obituary was published online Thursday. An investigation to the cover-up is ongoing.

ITEM FOUR: Quarantined pending COVID-19 test results.

ITEM FIVE: “Planet of the Apes” is closer to reality than you might think. A Malaysian teenager reported his smartphone was stolen by a monkey, who used it to take selfies and videos before burying it the mud behind his family’s home, the Associated Press reports. On the one hand, the monkey’s grasp of technology is terrifying. On the other, since the primate used it to take selfies, one can assume when the primates rise up to take control of the Earth, their culture will be as vapid and self-obsessed as it was under human control.

ITEM LAST: If there’s any good news to come from COVID-19, it’s this note out of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania: Pandemic protocols forced the company that makes Peeps to pause production until next Easter, per the AP. That means none of those horrible marshmallow confections coated in a hard sugar crust dyed in colors that are an abomination to nature will be available for Halloween, Christmas or Valentine’s Day. Hot Sheet respects this news may be triggering to some, but the ol’ Paragraph Stacker suggests you get yourself a couple bags of Snickers and learn what real candy tastes like.

We can close the book on this one. Donate if you can, we sure need the help.

Until next time, behave and be kind.

Cut loose and cashiered by corporate media, lone paragraph stacker Daniel P. Finney makes his way telling stories about his city, state and nation. No more metrics or Google trends, he writes stories about people and life ignored by the oligarchy.

ParagraphStacker.com is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I launch this new venture continuing the journalism you’ve demanded. Visit paypal.me/paragraphstacker.