Remembering the Alamo and other New Year’s resolutions for 2022

Ladies, gentlemen, and all points in between, we hope you enjoyed our presentation of 2021, but due to time constraints, we are moving the action forward to 2022.

We begin the New Year by making a list. No, not a grocery list. That’s useful. This is a list of resolutions.

“Resolutions” sound important. Abraham Lincoln was serious when he said “that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain” in the Gettysburg Address.

New Year’s Resolutions often are made by people hung over from celebrating the end of the year who have suddenly found religion by praying to the higher power of choice to take the headache and vomiting away.

We here at ParagraphStacker.com didn’t imbibe mass quantiles of anything but iced tea on New Year’s Eve and fell asleep sometime before 11 p.m.

Still, despite our otherwise high standards for comedy, we are not immune to relying on a lazy trope for a column to start the year.

Here, then, are the ol’ Paragraph Stackers New Year’s Resolutions for the year 2022.

I resolve:

1

To remember the Alamo.

2

To included in any questions about my musical influences the phrase, “Dylan, obviously.”

3

To stop finding weight.

4

To never pass on the opportunity for a nap.

5

To remember it was Jim Bowie, not David Bowie, who died at the Alamo.

6

To #neverforget tacos rule.

7

To never bet the over, the under, the spread, the points, or on Iowa to complete a forward pass.

8

To never agree to anything with terms and conditions unless I’m being paid money.

9

To bring the Hamburgler to justice.

10

To never use the word “present” as if it means something of any greater emotional significant than a person is in attendance.

11

To remember it was Davey Crockett and not Sonny Crockett who died at the Alamo.

12

To remember three jokes about the Alamo, including a reference to “Miami Vice,” is probably three too many Alamo jokes to start a year.


Daniel P. Finney writes columns for ParagraphStacker.com, a free, reader-supported website. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification.
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HOT SHEET: Grassley’s pidgin dragnet; Bears’ terrible 2-0; ‘Stumptown’ tragedy; Iowa State students sell used underwear

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM ONE: Sen. Chuck Grassley, the most popular politician in the history of Iowa, tweeted about a dead pidgin found on his farm. At one point, he apparently assumed it was a deer. It wasn’t. It was a pidgin. If anyone is looking for their pet pidgin, it’s dead in the senator’s yard. The typist has questions, but they’re all about stuff like the Republican party’s blatant hypocrisy on approving Supreme Court nominees during a presidential election year. This homespun nonsense is about what the ol’ Paragraph Stacker has come to expect from platinum Trump back-up singer Grassley: pidgin shit.

ITEM TWO: The Chicago Bears are 2-0, but they feel 0-2. Quarterback Mitch Trubisky led a come-from-behind victory in the season opener against the Lions. This week he nearly fell from the front at home against the lowly New York Giants. The Bears built a 17-0 lead at halftime and let the New York Giants chip away in the second half. New York had a chance to win on the final play, but a Giants’ receiver committed offensive pass interference at the goal line. Trubisky threw for two touchdowns and two interceptions. Running back David Montgomery, a former Iowa State Cyclone, produced 127 yards total offense including 82 rushing yards and three pass catches with a touchdown. I texted a fellow Bears fan about this anxiety-inducing mediocrity. She wrote back, “I’m sitting outside. It’s relaxing. I like the sound of the wind in the tree tops.” One of us has the right idea on how to spend a Sunday afternoon.

ITEM THREE: Terrible news from Tinseltown: The rat bastards at ABC cancelled the typist’s favorite private eye series, “Stumptown” — after renewing the series at the end of last season. The Mouse House plans to shop it to other networks. “Stumptown” and “Emergence” were two of Hot Sheet’s true pleasures from last season. ABC execs snubbed out “Emergence” like a cheap cigarette at the end of its terrific first season with lead Allison Tolman. Now ABC reneges on the promise of a second season of “Stumptown” starring Colbie Smulders. Know this, ABC, fists of rage are shaken in your general direction. Fists. Of. Rage. Shaken.

ITEM FOUR: Unavailable due to coronavirus quarantine protocols.

ITEM FIVE: Some Iowa State University students are apparently selling their used underwear, leggings, stockings and socks online to make extra money, per a report by the Iowa State Daily. “For women, especially, there is still a stigma attached to using your body to earn money. Though sex work, like many other jobs,” the newspaper reports, “requires you to be a smart and skilled individual.” The Hot Sheet has nothing to add.

ITEM SIX: It appears there’s more bad news for law enforcement nationwide. Sources tell Hot Sheet Mayor McCheese is considering firing longtime McDonaldland top cop Officer Mac. Insiders cite Officer Mac’s failure to bring the Hamburglar to justice since being sworn in 1971.

ITEM LAST: Businesses, please be mindful of how terrible your hold music is. The typist recently called the local cable company for an internet problem and, as per usual, the volume of calls was high. The hold music was a shrill version of Muzak, the kind of noise the CIA would use to torture suspected terrorists. By the time the ol’ Paragraph Stacker’s hold ended, he was barely able to form a complete sentence. The company’s agent explained that the typist was in the wrong department and asked if it was OK if she placed me on a brief hold while she connected me with the proper person. The typist replied: “Can’t you just kill me instead?”

Daniel P. Finney covers Canadian tuxedos for ParagraphStacker.com.

Cut loose and cashiered by corporate media, lone paragraph stacker Daniel P. Finney makes his way telling stories about his city, state and nation. No more metrics or Google trends, he writes stories about people and life ignored by the oligarchy.

ParagraphStacker.com is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I launch this new venture continuing the journalism you’ve demanded. Visit paypal.me/paragraphstacker.