A big push from a young Cyclones fan

The acrid smell of hot rubber and the whine of tires spinning on melted snow and hard ice filled the air at my apartment complex. My beloved Dodge Charge — in all it’s real-wheel drive shortcomings — could not navigate the slick surface on its own. Monday, my apartment complex manager, Pierce, came out of his office, bundled against the icy weather, and pushed and heaved. He laid down 15 pounds of sand. We finally rocked the car over the ice hump. That night I parked on the street. I thought I had enough tread on clear pavement that I would take off without a problem. I was wrong. I rocked the car as I pushed the gas pedal to the floor. I reversed. I put it in first gear. I made progress in inches. Many people walked by and stared, as if my frustration was an amusement. Then one young mad clad in an Iowa State Cyclones sweatshirt knocked on my passenger side window. I rolled it down. “Can I help?” Oh, you beautiful boy, please do. He pushed. I pressed the pedal and in a few minutes I was free. I yelled thank you at him, but I doubt he heard me. Life has humbled me in recent years. I’ve needed more help than at any point in my life. I’ve received many times over. We read so munch about how much humans hate and fear one another. But there are always helpers, the late children’s television host Fred Rogers told us. Be the helper.

HOT SHEET: 10 funny jokes that you won’t be able to remember when you want to tell them to someone else

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, 24th Street Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: Anthropologists say Inuits have 50 words for snow. I’d print them here, but 49 of them are profanities.

ITEM TWO: Shoveling snow sucks, but at least you don’t have to mow the lawn.

ITEM THREE: If you find a grammatical error on the internet and point it out in the comments section, your life goals are complete and you may ascend to heaven.

ITEM FOUR: [Insert inspirational quote here.]

ITEM FIVE: Sometimes I taunt my married friends by setting the thermostat to whatever the hell I want with no debate.

ITEM SIX: Man caves are for losers. I want a man castle complete with guard towers and unlimited place backs in the best chair.

ITEM SEVEN: In newsrooms all across America, editors and reporters debate the essential news question of the day: “Is it too early to publish the annual list of best/worst Thanksgiving side dishes?”

ITEM EIGHT: I’m not saying I’m bad with money, but if someone stole my identity, my credit score would go up.

ITEM NINE: A recent investigative report by Hot Sheet reveals football referees are paid by the flag throw. Bonuses are given for use of instant replay.

ITEM LAST: I would rather listen to Fran Drescher sing the national anthem on a continuous loop that hear one more person use the word “adulting.”

Daniel P. Finney wrote a check for 69 cents for half and half at Ralph’s in 1991.

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