HOT SHEET: Nobody cares what I have to say about the #election2020, but I’m saying it anyway

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: Nobody cares what the typist thinks about the presidential election, but he’s going to talk about it anyway. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker is happy that Joe Biden won the presidency. Donald Trump is a horrible human being who embodied the worst traits of this country and forever lowered the standard of person it takes to occupy the Oval Office. The typist struggles to understand how his fellow Iowans voted so heavily in favor of this person who in every way refutes the image of kindly neighbors Iowans have always sought to project. He will struggle with this as he continues to move forward with life.

ITEM SECOND: Iowa political historians should study the campaign of Theresa Greenfield for the Senate because it was hysterically poor from its media standpoint. If you watched Greenfield’s ads — and if you watched a sporting event live since September, you couldn’t have missed them — her entire campaign centered around how her husband died in a work accident, he once owned a Chevy Nova, she played high school basketball and, most embarrassing of all, she has a twin who thinks her sister would be a good senator. These saccharine confections are the kinds of things that win middle school class presidencies, but not U.S. Senate campaigns. Whoever managed her media campaign should go into hiding for a while.

Even the dark money groups trying to help Greenfield fumbled. They took shots at Sen. Joni Ernst, Iowa’s Dollar Store Sarah Palin, because she — GASP! — lives in a $400,000 condo in Washington, D.C. The typist is not one to defend Ernst, but she does work in D.C. and a $400k condo in D.C. is a cheap hole-in-the-wall, not a swank luxury pad. Trying to go after someone for daring to have a residence in D.C. when they’re a senator is almost as dumb as filming an ad with your twin sister and expecting voters to give a flip about it.

ITEM THREE: If anyone is fool enough to think Joe Biden’s presumptive election to the presidency settles anything consider the following: This election was so close it took almost five days to figure out and there are still court cases to go through.

And then consider the cool, calm and even-handed response from the College Republicans at Iowa State, which tweeted “Everybody needs to arm up, expect these people to attempt to destroy your life, the elites want revenge on us.”

The typist won’t bother to try to figure out how Donald Trump, a billionaire by inheritance, con man, philanderer and failure at everything but being a reality TV host, somehow became an avatar for the downtrodden and disrespected.

It does remind the ol’ Paragraph Stacker of how foolish the notion that dangerous and horrible ideologies will not die out generationally.

ITEM FOUR: Withheld to give everybody a chance to count to 10 and settle down.

ITEM FIVE: The Hawkeyes and Cyclones were both winners Saturday. Iowa stomped Michigan State. It’s always fun to see Sparty lose. The Cyclones almost laid an egg against Baylor, but scored 28 unanswered points to earn their fifth win of the season. Iowa State is now 5-1 in the Big 12, the best record in program history and making the Cyclones real contenders for the league title. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker mocked this idea at the beginning of the season, but what the hell does he know?

ITEM SIX: Watch David Chappelle opening monologue on “Saturday Night Live.” I can imagine no better thing to see, laugh at and think about than this.

Daniel P. Finney is still optimistic enough to believe he may one day be in a torrid affair with a celebrity.

ParagraphStacker.com is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification. Visit paypal.me/paragraphstacker.

HOT SHEET: Only fools watch the debate when the baseball playoffs are on

Item Last!

Wednesday, Sept. 30, 2020

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM ONE: President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden met in what was loosely described as a “debate” Tuesday somewhere in America. The typist didn’t watch a frame of it. He watched the New York Yankees defeat Cleveland in the first round of the baseball playoffs. The typist doesn’t understand why any thinking person would watch the presidential debates this election year. Here is the test: If you support Trump, is there anything he could say or do in the debate that would change your mind? Based on his cumulative behavior to this point, it’s hard to imagine anything Trump could do that would alienate his legions of followers. Conversely, Biden could have fallen asleep on his lectern and farted loudly for 15 minutes straight and it would not have cost him any votes. What’s the point? You can watch this low-rent political theater if you want, but in the end there is only one thing any of us can do: vote. Or not. Either way the Yankees are up one game on Cleveland.

ITEM TWO: If you want to duck sports and the campaigns, the typist recommends the Iowa Concert of Hope, a benefit for those in Cedar Rapids, Marion and Hiawatha who were battered by the derecho Aug. 10. Mediacom has pledged to air the concert statewide. In Des Moines, the concert is set to air 7 to 9 p.m. Thursday on Mediacom channel 22.

ITEM THREE: Back to baseball: Major League Baseball runs ads throughout the playoffs talking about how the current generation of players are hip, young and flashy. The spots are replete with colorful graphics in the hip-hop style. Yet, when an extra-inning game between the Cincinnati Reds and Atlanta Braves was on, ESPN lead blabbermouth Alex Rodriguez groaned because there were no sacrifice bunts. Bunts. What is synonymous with hip and new excitement but a bunt? A-Rod, who made no sac bunt attempts in the last 15 years of his career, would have been better served to say what the teams really needed to do was to have a clubhouse boy shoot them in the butt with steroids before the game to crack more homers in the playoffs.

ITEM FOUR: Unavailable due to COVID-19 quarantine.

ITEM FIVE: A belated happy anniversary to Iowa women’s basketball coach Lisa Bluder and her husband, Dave, two of the finest humans the typist has ever had the pleasure of knowing.

ITEM LAST: A rare fine arts recommendation: The typist’s East High School classmate, Megan Gogerty, has made a movie for Theatre Cedar Rapids called “Feel Better.” It’s available via the web at 7:30 p.m. both Friday and Saturday. Check out TCR’s website for details. Tickets are $25. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker notes that Gogerty is the funniest, most talented person he’s ever met and easily the best writer he’s ever known.

OK, let’s close the book on this one. Donate if you can. It’s getting tight up in here at the middle of the semester. New podcast coming this weekend. Behave and be kind.

Daniel P. Finney crosses his arms in a non-verbal attempt to keep people from talking to him. The smile is a lie.

Cut loose and cashiered by corporate media, lone paragraph stacker Daniel P. Finney makes his way telling stories about his city, state and nation. No more metrics or Google trends, he writes stories about people and life ignored by the oligarchy.

ParagraphStacker.com is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I launch this new venture continuing the journalism you’ve demanded. Visit paypal.me/paragraphstacker.