From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, 24th Street Station, Des Moines, Iowa.
ITEM FIRST: If I’m going to have a headache this bad, I want the fun from the night before to go with it.
ITEM TWO: The following is a summary of every “Marmaduke” comic strip ever published: “Oh, that’s a big dog.”
ITEM THREE: We value your laughter. Please continue to stare at this joke for a brief two question survey after the punchline.
ITEM FOUR: If I were James Bond, I would order a screwdriver, less driver more screw.
ITEM FIVE: Sad news in the world of punctuation today. Police charged the colon with the murder of the comma. The slaying took place just hours after colon’s wife delivered a newborn semicolon.
ITEM SIX: Some of you are going have to think about that last joke for a minute, so we’re providing the space here.
ITEMS SEVEN: Your cat does not think it is a person. It has higher ambitions, such as eating your flesh to the bone when you die from a stroke.
ITEM EIGHT: I rarely fly, but when I do, I like to sit by the emergency exit. It fills me with unearned bravery to think I would be called upon to open that door in an emergency. The feeling is so heady that I’m a little bummed out when the plane lands safely.
ITEM NINE: I think some NFL teams should change their logo to a Rorschach ink blot and pretend they didn’t change anything.
ITEM LAST: The Hot Sheet is giving you the space here to fully enjoy the hilarity of that last joke after you’ve Googled all the vocabulary words.
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