HOT SHEET: Some more #Election2020 stuff, but it’s mostly just harmless jokes and not anything serious

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: Good news for lovers of political drama, CNN has renewed “The Forever Election” for a four more seasons. New episodes and characters to be revealed soon after the current season wraps Jan. 20.

ITEM TWO: I’ve gotten so many unsolicited texts urging me to vote and telling me who to vote for that I practically teared up when I got an unsolicited text for erectile dysfunction medication.

ITEM THREE: Remember back in January when the Iowa Caucasus were a giant clusterfuck for Democrats and they ultimately couldn’t chose a winner? Boy, we Iowans know how to set a trend!

ITEM FOUR: I received a fortune in a cookie with Chinese takeout that if only President Trump had read, perhaps the year would have gone better. The fortune said: “Avoid compulsively making things worse.”

ITEM FIVE: Belated new comics Wednesday recommendations:

  • Avengers No. 57 Facsimile Edition — The typist has a fondness for these facsimiles because they give you a chance to the old ads that ran in the magazine when kids first handed over 12 cents to the druggist. This issue deals with the costumed adventurer Vision and the reproduction primes interest in the coming Disney+ series “WandaVision.”
  • Venom Marvel Epic Collection: Symbiosis — These are the comics of the typist’s late youth, when dad was gone and mom was on her way out. He spent hours in Mrs. Pope’s art classes at Winterset High School with his buddy Lew trying to mimic the style of Todd McFarlane. The stories are medium at best, but Venom is a fun, original villain.

ITEM LAST: They typist delighted in a video from actors and friends Sarah Michelle Gellar and Shannon Doherty wearing giant bubble wrap balls and smashing into one another on a sunny lawn. Doherty is living with Stage 4 cancer having relapsed after a period of remission. If these two friends can find a way to laugh so hard in desperate times, so too can the rest of us find time for a giggle or two.

Daniel P. Finney just ain’t right. is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification. Visit

HOT SHEET: Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. are America’s sexy mom and dad now — plus the last of the trick-or-treat jokes for 2020

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, Drake Neighborhood Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: The typist takes a night class on Thursday and missed publishing Thursday’s Hot Sheet. He apologizes to loyal readers who rely on this critical crass menagerie for information and entertainment amidst the daily drudgery of pandemic restrictions and political campaign excesses.

ITEM TWO: Speaking of political campaigns, the long presidential election cycle draws to a close with last fevered pitches to be made over the weekend. It will soon all be over. By this time next week, the entire country could be engulfed in flames, riots and the general destruction of society as we know it. But at least there won’t be any more political commercials during football games.

ITEM THREE: Speaking of commercials, the typist was surprised to see Sarah Michelle Gellar of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” fame and Freddie Prinze Jr. of “married to Sarah Michelle Gellar” fame starring in a commercial for Cascade dishwasher detergent. The couple traded sweet jokes about “doing it every night,” which of course meant washing dishes with water-conserving Cascade and not that other nasty thing your filthy mind thought about. That’s right Gen Xers, the youngsters once so hip they could play Daphne and Fred in live-action “Scooby-Doo” movies are now playing America’s mom and dad. The typist notes he is older than both Gellar and Prinze Jr. The ol’ Paragraph Stacker feels like time has shoved one of Buffy’s stakes into his heart and he turned to dust and blew away.

ITEM FOUR: Friday is Beggars’ Night in Des Moines, the night the capital city typically sends its children out into their neighborhoods dressed as monsters, superheroes and other characters real and imagined. In eight of the last nine days, the Hot Sheet has published four one-sentence jokes for kids to learn and say, as is also tradition in Des Moines. Due to last night’s absence, the remainder of this edition will be dedicated to silly jokes for Beggars’ Night.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?

A: A bulldozer.

Q: What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!

Q: What do sharks say when something radical happens?

Q: What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
Hip hop.

Q: What do you call a baby with a drum?
A baby boomer.

Q: Why was the tomato blushing?
Because he saw the salad dressing!

Q: What to you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A: A pouch potato!

Q: What did the policeman say to his tummy?
I got you under a vest!

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling crummy.

Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!

Q: What do owls say when they’re introduced?
Howl do you do?

Q: What’s the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.

Q: Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of its bark!

Q: What room can no one enter?
A mushroom.

Q: How did dinosaurs decorate their bedroom?
With rep-tiles!

ITEM LAST: Happy Beggars’ Night and happy Halloween everyone. Watch out for cars and pay attention to pandemic procedures.

Q: What’s black and white and read all over? A: Daniel P. Finney’s Paragraph Stacker. is free, reader-supported media. Please consider donating to help me cover personal expenses as I continue writing while I pursue my master’s degree and teacher certification. Visit