HOT SHEET: OMG, you won’t believe this story about punctuation, a big dog and a special drink

From the desk of Daniel P. Finney, sergeant of the watch, 24th Street Station, Des Moines, Iowa.

ITEM FIRST: If I’m going to have a headache this bad, I want the fun from the night before to go with it.

ITEM TWO: The following is a summary of every “Marmaduke” comic strip ever published: “Oh, that’s a big dog.”

ITEM THREE: We value your laughter. Please continue to stare at this joke for a brief two question survey after the punchline.

ITEM FOUR: If I were James Bond, I would order a screwdriver, less driver more screw.

ITEM FIVE: Sad news in the world of punctuation today. Police charged the colon with the murder of the comma. The slaying took place just hours after colon’s wife delivered a newborn semicolon.

ITEM SIX: Some of you are going have to think about that last joke for a minute, so we’re providing the space here.

ITEMS SEVEN: Your cat does not think it is a person. It has higher ambitions, such as eating your flesh to the bone when you die from a stroke.

ITEM EIGHT: I rarely fly, but when I do, I like to sit by the emergency exit. It fills me with unearned bravery to think I would be called upon to open that door in an emergency. The feeling is so heady that I’m a little bummed out when the plane lands safely.

ITEM NINE: I think some NFL teams should change their logo to a Rorschach ink blot and pretend they didn’t change anything.

ITEM LAST: The Hot Sheet is giving you the space here to fully enjoy the hilarity of that last joke after you’ve Googled all the vocabulary words.

The Hot Sheet is a QM production starring Daniel P. Finney as Dr. Richard Kimble, an innocent victim of blind justice, falsely convicted for the murder of his wife, reprieved by Fate when a train wreck freed him en route to the death house, to hide in lonely desperation; to change his identity, to toil at many jobs; freed him to search for a one-armed man he saw leave the scene of the crime; freed him to run before the relentless pursuit of the police lieutenant obsessed with his capture.

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